How many times have you heard the phrases chill out, find your happy place, let it go, it could be worse, or seen workshops for stress management or anger management. We are flooded with information on how we should manage our feelings of stress, anxiety, panic, fear, depression and anger. All of these messages can be overwhelming and confusing. This tool box for managing stress gives you 10 straight forward steps to resolve these difficult feelings, overcome anxiety and increase satisfaction in your life.

Use Your Mind to change your negative thinking

 1.  Stop focusing on negatives and start focusing on positives.

2.  Thought Stopping – To disrupt the chain of negative thoughts in your mind use a distraction, say out loud “stop” or say “stop” and snap a rubber band on your wrist.

3.  Use positive self- statements to replace the negatives:

-“I do the best I can.”

-“I am satisfied with who I am.”

-“I’m in control of my life.”

Use your body to reduce physical agitation

4.  Deep Breathing

-“Belly Breathing”- lay on your back putting one hand on your chest and the other on your belly. Take a deep breath in until the hand on your belly rises. You may need to practice moving the air past your chest all the way to your diaphragm. If only the hand over your chest rises you are not breathing deeply enough.

-“7-2-7 Breathing” – Inhale for 7 seconds, hold your breath for 2 seconds, exhale for 7 seconds.

5.  Visualization – Close your eyes and imagine a place that you are safe, calm and content. Include all five senses in your visualization. What do you see, smell, hear, feel and taste.

6.  Progressive Muscle Relaxation – As you are lying down, focus on each muscle group starting at your feet and moving progressively up to your face. Tense and relax each muscle group for 7 seconds. Hold the tension for 7 seconds then relax the muscle group for 7 seconds. Move up to the next muscle group and the next until you’ve completed each muscle group.

7.  Focal Meditation – Choose an object such as a lit candle, a tree, or a stream. It helps if the object has some inherent movement. Set a timer and focus on the movement of the object for 5 minutes. Let any thoughts that enter your mind pass through as you focus only on the movement of the object.

8.  Physical Activity – Walk, Stretch, Dance, etc.

9.  Biofeedback  – Using a heart rate monitor such a fit bit, vivo, etc., in times of stress when you notice your heart rate is elevated above what is normal for you; take deep breaths until the number reaches your normal

10.  Schedule Downtime – Allow no less than 15 minutes in your schedule every day for relaxation. That can include reading, soaking in the tub, drawing, sitting in the sunshine. NO screen time.

We all agree that stress, anxiety, depression and anger are a part of life. However, if ongoing, these emotional states have a detrimental impact on our emotional and physical health. It takes a commitment of time and effort to learn and incorporate these coping skills into our daily lives to head off the consequences of lingering and long term negative emotions. Practicing these skills daily will improve your mood, your relationships and your overall health.

Setting good personal boundaries is critical to creating healthy relationships, increasing self- esteem and reducing stress, anxiety and depression. Boundaries protect your personal self by setting a clear line between what is me and what is not me. A lack of boundaries opens the door for others to determine your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Defining boundaries is a process of determining what behavior you will accept from others and what you will not. Boundaries include physical boundaries, as well as, emotional boundaries. Physical boundaries include your body, personal space, and privacy. Violations include standing too close, inappropriate touching, even looking through your personal files or your phone. Emotional boundaries involve separating your feelings from another’s feelings. Violations include, taking responsibility for another’s feelings, letting another’s feelings dictate your own, sacrificing your own needs to please another, blaming others for your problems, and accepting responsibility for theirs. Strong boundaries protect your self- esteem and your identity as an individual with the right to make your own choices.

Boundaries are your own invisible force field and you are in charge of protecting it. As important as this may sound, most of us have a difficult time setting healthy boundaries consistently. At times it is difficult to identify when our boundaries are being crossed. We may even fear the consequences to our relationships if we set them. To identify when your boundaries are being crossed, stay tuned into your feelings. Red flags include, discomfort, resentment, stress, anxiety, guilt and fear. These feelings stem from feeling taken advantage of or not feeling appreciated. Think about the people who you feel this way around. Do the following statements ring true: I can’t make my own decisions, I can’t ask for what I need, I can’t say no, I feel criticized, I feel responsible for their feelings, I seem to take on their moods, and I am often nervous, anxious or resentful around them. Unhealthy boundaries are often characterized by a weak sense of your own identity and your own feelings of disempowerment in decision making in your own life. This leads you down the road to relying on your partner for happiness and decision making responsibilities thereby losing important parts of your own identity. An inability to set boundaries also stems from fear; fear of abandonment or losing the relationship, fear of being judged or fear of hurting others feelings.  I have found  The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Dr. Patricia Evans helpful in identifying broken boundaries.

Our lessons about boundaries begin early in our lives, first in our families and then in our peer groups. These early boundaries are internalized as our way of asserting our own needs and wants, as well as, in taking responsibility for others needs and wants. How comfortable we are standing up for ourselves, verbalizing our feelings and expressing our needs starts very early in our development.   Steps to build better boundaries begin with knowing and understanding what your own limits are. Who I am, what I am responsible for and what I am not responsible for. I am responsible for my happiness, my behavior, my choices, my feelings. I am not responsible for others happiness, other’s behaviors, other’s choices, and other’s feelings.

Emotional Boundaries and Boundary Traps

Emotional boundaries fall into the categories of time, emotions, energy and values. Be aware of boundary traps in relationships. The following scenarios may seem familiar. Start by recognizing which boundary traps you commonly fall in.

1. I am nobody if I’m not in a relationship. My identity comes from my partner and I will do anything to make this person happy.
2. This is better than the last relationship I was in.
3. I spend all my time involved in my partner’s goals and activities. There just isn’t enough time left to do what I want to do.
4. My partner would be lost without me.
5. If I just give it more time, the relationship will get better.
6. Most of the time the relationship is great…Ok well occasionally it is and that’s enough for me.

Setting Emotional Boundaries

Make a commitment to yourself to put your own identity, needs, feelings and goals first. Healthy emotional boundaries come from believing that you are OK just the way you are. Commit to letting go of fixing others, taking responsibility for the outcomes of others choices, saving or rescuing others, needing to be needed, changing yourself to be liked, or depending on others approval.

Make a list of boundaries you would like to strengthen. Write them down. Visualize yourself setting them and finally, assertively communicate with others what your boundaries are and when they’ve crossed them. Remember, this is a process. Start with a small, non-threatening boundary and experience success before taking on more challenging boundaries.

Boundaries to start with:

1. Say no – to tasks you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do.
2. Say yes – to help.
3. Say thank you with no apology, regret or shame.
4. Ask for help.
5. Delegate tasks.
6. Protect your time – don’t overcommit.
7. Ask for space – we all need our own time.
8. Speak up if you feel uncomfortable with how someone is treating you or your needs are being infringed upon.
9. Honor what is important to you by choosing to put yourself first.
10. Drop the guilt and responsibility for others.
11. Share personal information gradually and in a mutual way (give and take).

If you are shifting the dynamic in the relationship you may feel resistance from the other person. This is normal and OK. Simply stick to your guns and continue to communicate your needs. Use the ”broken record technique” and repeat the same statement as many times as you need. Healthy relationships are a balance of give and take. In a healthy relationship you feel calm, safe, supported, respected, taken care of, and unconditionally accepted. You are forgiven without past offenses being brought up repeatedly, seeming acts of revenge or passive aggressive behaviors from the other person. You are free to be who you are and encouraged to be your best self. Good boundaries are a sign of emotional health, self-respect and strength. We teach people how to treat us. Set high standards for those you surround yourself with. Expect to be treated in the same loving way you treat them. You will soon find yourself surrounded by those who respect you, care about your needs and your feelings and treat you with kindness.  My favorite book that I often refer clients to for positive relationship building is  The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

People ask me all the time, what is the #1 problem I see in my counseling practice. I would extend this answer to, not only my clients, but my friends, my family and even myself. Hands down, the answer is STRESS!  As a culture, we are overwhelmed and over- stressed. The causes are many, but the foundation is the same; too much to do and not enough time to do it. Sounding familiar?  I’d like to introduce you to 10 easy steps to reduce your stress and live a happier life.

We live in a fast paced, achievement focused society. Our worth is determined by how much we achieve and how fast we accomplish these achievements.  When we get there, we are expected to go even further and in fact questioned as to why we aren’t already there. Then, when we are nearing the end of our proverbial rope, some well-meaning person, be it our friends, family, coworkers, boss or even stranger tells us to chill out, relax, enjoy life, find your happy place… (Insert ensuing explosion here!)

The expectations we put on ourselves or that others put on us snuff out any time or energy we have for this elusive “happy place”.  We stress out about money, health, kids, parents, spouses, work, bosses, coworkers, the endless to-do list. Some of these things are real and some are irrational.  This is when it’s essential to shift your focus from stress overload to a calmer state of mind.  I’m going to show you how to put the brakes on anxious, negative thinking and switch gears.

STOP Technique
Let’s start with the simple STOP technique.  STOP stands for Start To Observe Positives.  First,  you need to literally, STOP.  When a negative thought pops into your mind, say out loud, STOP.  Picture in your head the red octagon shape with the white letters you learned to read when you were a toddler.

Use this as your visual cue to STOP thinking negatively. 

The next step is Start To Observe Positives. Look at each situation and find something positive. It can be a lesson you learned, a comical observation, a new way of understanding another person, or even the all-powerful, ”well, I’ll never have to do that again”. Learning to consciously shift your thinking from negative to positive is a huge step. You’ve been thinking a certain way for many years. Be consistent with this new way of thinking. Think of it like learning a new language. Just as it takes consistent repetition and practice over time to perfect a new language, this will also require practice!

Here are 10 simple, easy steps to reinforce positive thinking.  Break this down into one a day for ten days:
 
Day 1.   Take deep breaths – set an hourly alarm on your phone and take ten deep breaths each time it goes off
Day 2.   Say please and thank you (to as many people as you can)
Day 3.   Smile (A LOT and to as many people as you can)
Day 4.   Tell 2 people something you appreciate about them
Day 5.   Write 5 positive intentions for your day on a sticky note and carry it in your pocket
Day 6.   Visualize yourself accomplishing a goal
Day 7.   Get physical (walk, bike, jog, stretch, skip)
Day 8.   Set up a “coffee date” with someone (increase your social time)
Day 9.   Take 15 minutes for yourself (read, walk, meditate, take a bath, have a cup of tea, listen to music…)
Day 10. Write 5 positive things that happened today

Once you’ve reached your 10 day mark, congratulate yourself on a job well done!  Evaluate which of these tasks were easy and which were more difficult.  Each of these tasks plays an independent and integral role in your road to greater happiness. These 10 steps,  done in combination, and repeated over time, will change your life!